I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
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dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
no you cant smoke seaweed
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
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