How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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