At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She announced her abortion via fbk
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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