You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
