I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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