Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
