Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
