We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
