Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
