just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
