A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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