Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
