This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
