I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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