YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
