i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
