You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
In America we eat man semen.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
