When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
