he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
