my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
