I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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