i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
