Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
