im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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