youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
