So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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