True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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