i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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