I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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