don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My ATM looks so different sober.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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