even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
