I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
