Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
