I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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