I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i believe in u and ur pee
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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