Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
