This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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