You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
