I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
