I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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