Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
