I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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