im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
