she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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