He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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