I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
