Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
