Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
