Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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