Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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