you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have tasted many bathrooms
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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