I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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