i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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