apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
